


Where the lines are drawn

by gyuhyun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Fate & Destiny, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2014-11-04
Packaged: 2018-02-24 02:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2564531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyuhyun/pseuds/gyuhyun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joonmyun had always known, right from the start, that Kyungsoo would never be his.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where the lines are drawn

**Author's Note:**

> A remix of [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2559581/) work.

The hallways are crowded with students from all year levels making their way to the cafeteria. Joonmyun tries his best to weasel himself into the crowd and tries not injure himself any further as he makes his way to buy lunch. This is the only thing he hates about his school. During break and lunch, all the students crowd around and accidentally hit him with their shoulders or elbows and they just keep pushing and pushing until there is no more space for him to move from.

A student accidentally pushes him to another student who collides with him quite harshly, sending the both of them to the ground. The sea of people move round them and Joonmyun is glad they have the decency not to trample on them as they walk.

Joonmyun gets up and dusts off his khakis before offering his hand to the other male he bumped into. The boy winces as he grabs on Joonmyun’s arm to help him stand up.

“Are you okay?” Joonmyun asks and the boy nods as he dusts off his own uniform.

“Yeah, I am. Sorry about that,” The other boy apologizes, flashing Joonmyun a smile, his lips forming into heart and his wide eyes turning into crescents. The sight leaves Joonmyun a little at a loss for words.

“Ugh – Yeah – I mean no, it was my fault, so sorry,” He stutters and he beats himself up slightly over it. But the other guy just waves him off saying something about how it always happens. He’s not really paying attention to what the boy is saying because there is something about the sound of his voice that’s captivating Joonmyun in ways he’d never known to be possible.

Before Joonmyun can reply to whatever statement the other male had given him, he finds that the boy had already been on his way, disappearing in the throng of hungry students. With a small slump in his shoulders, Joonmyun dejectedly walks in the direction of the cafeteria, occasionally looking up just in case he spots him again.

Joonmyun doesn’t meet the boy again but he does see him pass by in the hallways. He finds that his days are brighter when he catches a glimpse of the boy.

It’s not hard to realize what kind of feelings are suddenly bubbling inside of him. He realizes that he likes the boy, that he likes him enough to consider him an inspiration, something to look forward to in his everyday life. He likes him even if he doesn’t know who he is, what his name is and it’s okay. He doesn’t mind because he’s not expecting anything out of these feelings. It’s just a crush.

 

 

 

 

The first time Joonmyun talks to the boy is on the first day of their Sophomore year. He takes a seat on the second row because he doesn’t want to seem eager. It’s in the middle though so he has a perfect view of the board. He looks around the room and notices familiar faces but none of them talk to him. It’s always been like that. He shrugs off the loneliness and thinks of possibly seeing his nameless crush.

Having nothing better to do before class starts, he opts to stare at the door and wait for the other students to come in. He gives everyone an observation, a first impression he wishes to change at the end of the year. Then all of a sudden a boy with with wide eyes, short dark hair and pink luscious lips is entering the room. His heart skips a beat. It’s the boy and he is walking towards him and Joonmyun wonders if he’s staring too openly.

The boy takes the vacant seat beside him and Joonmyun can’t help but look on as he settles in on his chair. The boy turns to him then and smiles.

“Hello,” he says, extending an arm to him. “I’m Do Kyungsoo.”

Joonmyun takes the offered hand in his. It’s warm and soft and nothing like a man’s hand should be but he finds that he likes it.

“I’m Kim Joonmyun,” he says with a soft smile, shaking hands with Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo chuckles softly before disentangling their hands. “I know.”

This shocks Joonmyun for a second. Kyungsoo just continues chuckling, his deep voice filling Joonmyun’s ears and it helps him come back to reality.

“You’re Kim Joonmyun,” Kyungsoo explains. “Anyone would know who you are.”

Of course, Joonmyun should have known. Joonmyun is the top student for their batch, having ranked number 1 throughout all terms in their Freshmen year. The students have somewhat brandished him with nicknames such as genius and many more. He’s not only known for his grades but also because he participates in a lot of school activities. He should have known Kyungsoo would have known of him.

Joonmyun looks away, not wanting to see the smile Kyungsoo has to offer him. It’s probably one out of admiration and if not, then probably one out of disgust. And this is why he’s always alone, always why he prefers to not make friends because they don’t look at him as a person. They always look at him as the top student with his future set in stone.

“Hey.” Joonmyun looks up at the somewhat inviting tone Kyungsoo has and when he sees the smile on Kyungsoo’s face, he thinks he might’ve just been blinded because Kyungsoo is smiling at him with that friendly twinkle in his eye that he’s never seen anyone give him before. “Let’s be friends?”

“I’d like that.” Kyungsoo’s smile brightens even more and Joonmyun thinks he’d definitely not mind being friends with someone who can make him happy just by smiling.

Joonmyun doesn’t only make friends with Kyungsoo, he makes friends with Kyungsoo’s friends who are in a different section. Chanyeol and Baekhyun look at him with the same twinkle of friendliness in their eyes. It makes Joonmyun feel more welcome, less alone in the world. But his heart doesn’t pitter patter at the way they smile at him or when he shakes their hands. He doesn’t really question it so much.

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun knows he likes Kyungsoo. He knows he has a crush on Kyungsoo. It’s pretty evident with the way every little thing about Kyungsoo fascinates him.

Every little thing, from Kyungsoo’s smile to Kyungsoo’s voice seem to make his heart flutter and brings butterflies inside his stomach. It’s a wonderful feeling, one that he welcomes into his once dull life. He’s never liked someone before and these feelings always bring a smile on his face so he lets it progress on their own. After all, there’s nothing wrong with crushing on Kyungsoo.

Except that’s not what he feels like at all. He thinks and wants to know that there is nothing wrong with feeling like this, but that isn’t quite what his heart is saying. He knows his heart is telling him something, warning him for something but as soon as Kyungsoo smiles at him the thought disappears and goes to the back of his mind. In the end, the warning signs he feels and sees are ignored and he goes back to being sure that there’s nothing wrong with feeling like this (ok, maybe he’s half sure).

So Joonmyun lets his feelings blossom until his heart is practically aching and the pain shocks him so much that he has to sit down with hand on his chest because his heart is hurting and he doesn’t know what for. Kyungsoo is hovering around him with that worried look on his face and Joonmyun wishes he could make it disappear. He tries to smile as he loosens his grip on his polo. The pain is slowly but surely subsiding.

“Joonmyun, what’s wrong?” Kyungsoo pulls his seat closer to Joonmyun’s as the other male takes deep breaths so he can assure that his heart isn’t aching anymore.

“I don’t know,” He answers honestly.

“What do you mean? Are you sick? Should we go to the infirmary?”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m fine. It was probably just the stress.” He tries for another smile in hopes that the worried look on Kyungsoo’s face would go away. But it doesn’t. Kyungsoo frowns at him and Joonmyun really wishes he wouldn’t look at him like that. All Joonmyun wants is for Kyungsoo to keep smiling, to keep being happy.

It takes a few more seconds of silence before Kyungsoo gives up frowning at Joonmyun. “Okay, but if something like that happens again, I’m taking you to the school nurse.”

Joonmyun just nods gratefully. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Kyungsoo smiles and then chuckles, “If I don’t worry about you, then who will?”

As if moments ago his heart wasn’t hurting, it begins to beat erratically inside of him, making blood rush to his face. He can literally feel the heat emanate from his cheeks.

“Thanks,” he whispers sincerely and Kyungsoo smiles that smile of his where his eyes turn into crescents and Joonmyun thinks that it’s the smile that’s only for him.

“You’re welcome.”

He returns the smile, giving Kyungsoo his own smile that’s just for him, the smile that says ‘I like you’ because he can’t quite say those words to his friend.

And it isn’t until a few weeks later that he begins to understand what all those warnings and physical pain meant.

He is eating lunch with Kyungsoo and their other friends. It starts innocently enough with the four of them catching up on classes and other mundane things. Baekhyun and Chanyeol have just finished eating their lunch when they start packing up to leave. They spout some nonsensical excuse all the while gesturing and winking at them who they’re leaving behind. Of course Joonmyun gets what they’re hinting at but he tries to laugh it off because he doesn’t want to seem obvious.

Before they know it, they’re alone under the tree, their friends running back to the school building.

They continue to eat in silence, seeing no reason to talk, and mostly because Joonmyun feels a little bit awkward with the way Baekhyun and Chanyeol have left them. It’s the thing he hates about having a crush he realizes, where he’s always so careful of his actions around the other. He sighs as he finishes his lunch which seems to get the attention of Kyungsoo.

“Are you alright?” Kyungsoo asks, placing a hand on his so Joonmyun will look at him.

Joonmyun looks into Kyungsoo’s eyes, slightly worried but not a pout or a frown in sight. He smiles because Kyungsoo looks adorable like this.

“Yeah, I am. I was just thinking,” He replies, noticing how Kyungsoo is rubbing small circles at the back of his hand.

A blush makes its way to his cheeks and he doesn’t know whether he should hold Kyungsoo’s hand or just let it be. He doesn’t have to think too much about it because as Kyungsoo smiles at him, he retreats his hand as well, leaving him slightly empty and disappointed.

Another round of silence blankets them as they fix their packed lunches, sit down side by side and lean on the thick trunk of the tree that was shading them. Kyungsoo begins humming a small tune as he rests his head on Joonmyun’s shoulder. Joonmyun tries to calm himself down to be able to enjoy the moment. He can already feel himself panicking but he focuses on the sound of Kyungsoo’s beautiful voice, focuses on the way Kyungsoo’s eyelids flutter close and how near Kyungsoo’s head is to his. His heart is pounding in his rib cage and it’s a little hard to breathe, but every whiff of air makes him smell Kyungsoo’s scent so he takes deep breaths.

Joonmyun thinks he wouldn’t mind falling in love with Kyungsoo if it meant having enjoyable moments like this. And as soon as the thought is finished, he feels an ache manifest inside of him, like someone is holding on to his heart and squeezing it to bleed out and he can’t breathe even if he tries. And then just as quickly as it had come, the pain disappears, giving him the power to breathe again.

Fearing his actions and mini struggle may have attracted Kyungsoo’s attention, he turns to look at the head on his shoulder and sees that his friend has fallen asleep. He sighs in relief and takes lungfuls of air to calm down his nerves. He seriously thought he was going to die for a moment. He closes his eyes and leans back down on the trunk of the tree. He rests his head on Kyungsoo’s and thinks on what could have caused that pain, that same kind of pain he’s been feeling a lot more recently.

As if to answer his questions, Kyungsoo’s smiling face flashes in his minds; words he’d let go with the thought of being together with Kyungsoo play in his mind like a soft melody and his eyes flash open.

His heart is stopping itself from falling in love with Kyungsoo.

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun is pacing in his bedroom, a habit he has a tendency of doing when he’s unsure of the situation. He doesn’t understand why, of all things, why does his _heart_ have to stop him from falling in love with Kyungsoo. It doesn’t make any sense to him.

What finally makes sense however is the unsettling feeling in his gut, like he’s embarking on a dangerous journey and even though he’d been told to stop, he kept going. He bites his lips as he understands what his intuition had been telling him all along. What that gut wrenching feeling inside his stomach meant. His intuition had been telling him the same thing. He bites his lip because he doesn't know what to do now that the warnings are clear enough for him to understand.

Joonmyun has always had an uncanny intuition. His gut feelings were always, _always_ , to be trusted and he could never go wrong with them. When he was younger, when he didn't know what those feelings meant, he'd gone against them and suffered great consequences. He'd learned his lessons then, to always trust his intuition.

But now, he didn't want to. He thinks he doesn't even have the strength to do so even if he wanted to. He plops down on his bed and sighs. He is so deep in his feelings that he wonders if he isn't already in love. His heart constricts at that and his thoughts stop to focus on making the pain subside. Then, as quickly as it had appeared, it goes and Joonmyun feels like he can breathe and think properly again. The pain always comes whenever he thinks about falling in love or being in love with Kyungsoo and maybe he isn't there, yet but with the way his heart is reacting, he must seem close.

Joonmyun grunts and turns his head to his bedside clock and sees it's almost 3PM. His eyes widen when he realizes he only has a few more minutes left before he has to go and leave for his voice lessons. He hurriedly gets off his bed and momentarily forgets all of his love troubles to focus on getting changed and fixing himself up for his lesson.

Joonmyun leaves with a hurried goodbye to his mother and plugs his earphones in so he can listen to his song on repeat. The music is a ballad which helps calm the turmoil in his mind. He allows himself the freedom to stop thinking about Kyungsoo for the duration of his walk and focuses instead on the melody of his song.

The walk to the studio isn't long. He arrives just in time and not a second late. He greets the receptionist and signs his name in before proceeding up the stairs where his room is located.

He unplugs his earphones and hurriedly stuffs them in his bug and takes a deep breath to calm down his nerves. When he's calm enough and sure he's still not late. He turns the door knob and enters the silent proofed room only to stop in his tracks because there is someone _singing_.

Joonmyun's breath is momentarily taken away with the beauty of the voice. The voice is just the right kind of deep that he finds that is to his liking. It's soulful and rich, almost as if whoever's singing is making it come from his heart. When the voice hits the last notes, Joonmyun's heart skips a beat.

Joonmyun must be gaping. He feels like he is. He's waiting with bated breath for the boy to turn around. He's wondering if the boy has seen him.

The boy turns and it's almost as if everything is in slow motion. When their eyes meet, the boys eyes widen and he smiles a sort of cat-like smile. Joonmyun notes how high his cheek bones are and how his jaw is sharp unlike all the other jaws he's seen. His heart skips another beat. The boy seems familiar.

“Have we met before?” He finds himself asking before he can stop himself. The boy just chuckles.

“I don’t think so, but if you’re wondering why I look familiar then maybe that would explain something.” The boy points to a poster just behind Joonmyun and he finds himself facing the profile of the boy who is hunched over holding on to a mic. He looks so deep into the emotion of the song he’s singing as the spotlight casts down on him. He looks almost ethereal in the poster that’s promoting the Fall recital his voice teacher is directing.

“I’m Kim Jongdae, Jongwoon hyung’s temporary assistant.” He extends his arm and Joonmyun shakes it.

“You’re also the star of the Fall recital,” Joonmyun mindlessly says but Jongdae waves him off.

“Nah, I’m not, don’t say it like that, that’s kind of embarrassing,” Jongdae says a light blush coloring his face. “Uh well Jongwoon hyung will come back soon, in the meantime do you mind if I warm you up? Just so your time isn’t wasted.” Jongdae smiles at him, eyes closed and somewhere at the back of Joonmyun’s mind tells him it’s absolutely amusing to see.

Joonmyun lets Jongdae guide him through the warm up and he admires Jongdae’s professionalism and the way his fingers touch the keys. He’s fortunate enough not to miss notes as he finds himself slightly distracted with the beauty Jongdae holds as he plays and guides Joonmyun.

The warm up ends just in time for it not to be disrupted by a noise that sounds like is coming from a cellphone. Jongdae smiles sheepishly at Joonmyun as he taps away at his phone. He watches Jongdae groan before giving him an apologetic smile.

“It seems like Jongwoon hyung can’t make it to your lesson. He’s asking if it’s okay that I help you with your practice today. But you can always reschedule with him, either way he doesn’t mind.” Jongdae sits down back on the bench waiting for Joonmyun’s answer and there’s something intriguing him about this boy that he decides he wouldn’t mind spending another few minutes with him.

“Yeah sure, why not. I just hope you know what you’re doing,” He says because he takes into account that Jongdae may just be around his age. Jongdae looks at him with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Is that a challenge?”

Joonmyun laughs it off and Jongdae turns back to the piano with Joonmyun’s piece already on display for him.

Surprisingly, Jongdae does know what he’s doing. He guides Joonmyun through his practice almost as if he was Jongwoon. For a moment, he thought if Jongdae was just young looking because Jongdae seemed every bit of a professional to him.

“Well, I guess that’s it for the day,” Jongdae hums as he closes the piano’s lid. “You were Jongwoon hyung’s last class for the day.” He smiles at Joonmyun as if to explain. “So did I pass your test?” He asks, his eyes challenging Joonmyun to give him his best shot.

Joonmyun smiles at him. “You’re actually pretty good.”

Jongdae laughs heartily, filling Joonmyun’s ears with a rich melody. “You have got to be kidding me.” He’s clearly amused as he bends over laughing. Joonmyun gives him a questioning look and Jongdae tries to calm down enough to explain.

“Well, I go to SOPA and I’ve been taking lessons from Jongwoon hyung since I was seven and all you can say is I’m pretty good.” Jongdae shrugs and shakes his head at Joonmyun but there’s a smile on his face as he says, “You’re very interesting, Joonmyun ssi.”

Joonmyun’s eyes widen when he hears about Jongdae’s experience. “But I guess we can’t all be teachers, can we now, Joonmyun ssi?” Jongdae follows up tapping at the lid of the piano.

“Joonmyun,” Joonmyun mutters and Jongdae turns his attention to him, “Just call me Joonmyun.”

“Well, Joonmyun, I hope your lesson wasn’t a disappointment with my ‘pretty good’ skills,” He says complete with air quotes and a smirk in Joonmyun’s direction which makes Joonmyun laugh.

“Nah, it was alright.” And they both laugh at this.

Joonmyun goes home after that and he realizes for the first time since he started liking Kyungsoo, that his heart feels light and burden free. He sleeps that night dreaming of wide eyes and heart shaped smiles accompanied by soft melodies and deep laughters.

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun goes back to his routine of school and homework when Monday hits and his heart feels a little heavy with the thought of seeing Kyungsoo. Of course, once he sees Kyungsoo, even if his heart constricts for a moment, he feels like the luckiest guy on earth.

“Good morning, Joonmyun,” Kyungsoo greets with a heart shaped smile and Joonmyun decides then to throw all his inhibitions away and just let himself fall in love with Kyungsoo. He doesn’t care what his heart and intuition are telling him. Kyungsoo is worth it he tells himself.

“How was your weekend?” Kyungsoo asks turning all of his attention to Joonmyun and he smiles at Kyungsoo telling him all about his voice lesson with Jongdae.

Kyungsoo shares some of his weekend stories to Joonmyun, a smile never leaving his lips and Joonmyun thinks if he could have this, even if for only a moment, then all the pain he feels like he’ll endure would definitely be worth it.

“Kyungsoo, do you want to go out on Sunday?” he blurts out all of a sudden amidst Kyungsoo’s chattering. Kyungsoo gives him a questioning look but the smile on his face never leaves. He is shocked for a moment and he doesn’t know if he should play it cool or apologize.

“You mean like a date?” Kyungsoo asks before he can decide and there’s a glint in his eyes that brings a smile on Joonmyun’s face and he decides to play it cool.

“If you want it to be.” And Kyungsoo laughs and it draws Joonmyun in, drowning him in an overwhelming sea of emotion.

“Okay.” Kyungsoo smiles at him and there’s a light pinkish hue tinting his cheeks and Joonmyun can almost ignore the pain that he feels with the amount of happiness that threatens to overcome him.

They don’t talk about their date throughout the day or week but the invitation has definitely escalated their relationship to something as Joonmyun takes note of how the back of Kyungsoo’s hand brushes against his and how Kyungsoo’s smiles linger for just a moment longer than they used to.

Falling in love with Kyungsoo is definitely worth it he tells himself.

Until the day he can’t get up from his bed with the pain his heart is causing him to feel.

He nearly scares his mother to death when he wakes up screaming because his chest hurts and tears are falling from the corners of his eyes because he knows the only reason his heart would hurt like this. He forces his mother not to call a doctor and tells her he just had a really bad dream which she doesn’t want to believe at first.

Joonmyun lies down on his bed and wills the pain away as best as he can. It feels like the pain is spreading from his heart to his whole body before it slowly retracts and there’s just a dull ache in his chest. He tells his mother instead that he feels sick so he won’t worry about her son hurting everywhere. He skips his voice lessons that day and is glad that it was a weekend rather than a school day.

The pain has subsided a significant amount leaving him feeling only slightly feverish. He hears his phone vibrate on the bedside table and with the last amount of strength he has, he taps at his phone to read and hopefully reply to the message.

_**From: 경수**  
Are we still on for tomorrow? ^^_

_**To: 경수**  
I don’t know. I got sick today so I'm not sure if I can make it :/_

_**From: 경수**  
Do you want me to come over???_

Joonmyun stares momentarily at the screen of his phone not sure of what to reply. Before he can type a 'No', he gets another message.

_**From: 경수**  
Where do you live?_

He sighs and thinks it wouldn't be so bad to have Kyungsoo over so he musters his last strength to reply. He falls asleep soon after feeling the pain in his heart subside a little bit more.

He wakes up to a slight pressure on his hand and when he slowly opens his eyes he sees a figure hovering above him. He blinks a couple more time to see the figure clearly and when it does he finds Kyungsoo's worried gaze on his, eyebrows furrowed and bottom lip in between his teeth.

"You have a really high fever, you know that?" His voice is quivering with worry and Joonmyun only hums in reply because he can't quite process the words yet but the hand Kyungsoo is using to rub soothing circles on his hand is comforting.

"Your mom left to buy you some medicine and soup so I hope you don't mind if I take care of you," Kyungsoo says with a small smile that Joonmyun has a hard time focusing on.

"I'll take very good care of you. Don't worry," Kyungsoo assures and he moves his hand to stroke Joonmyun's cheek.

"Thank you," Joonmyun whispers so softly he wonders if Kyungsoo heard.

He falls asleep again feeling the pain in his heart subside just that little bit more.

The next time he wakes up, he finds Kyungsoo resting his head on his bedside, his fever has gone down and the ache in his heart has dulled into something he can ignore. He turns to the bedside clock to check the time and tries not to wince at the thought that he's made Kyungsoo stay so late with him.

He tries to bring his arm up and realizes that Kyungsoo is holding onto it tightly. The action stirs the other awake and in no time he is fussing over Joonmyun, sitting on his bedside instead of the stool he was previously occupying.

"Your mother let me stay the night," he explains brushing Joonmyun's fringe away from his eyes. "Do you want anything? Water? Soup?"

Joonmyun closes his eyes at the sound of Kyungsoo's gentle voice. He can feel himself get better bit by bit just with the soft melody.

"I'd like some water," Joonmyun says with a voice scratchy from disuse.

Kyungsoo seems reluctant to leave his side but does so anyway making sure to come back with a pitcher so he doesn't have to go back down again.

"Here," Kyungsoo hands Joonmyun a glass and some pills, "it's also time for you to drink your medicine."

Kyungsoo helps Joonmyun sit up so he can drink his medicine. Joonmyun leans on his headboard and Kyungsoo sits by his side, resuming his hold on Joonmyun's hand.

"You really worried me there, you know," Kyungsoo starts avoiding Joonmyun's eyes. "I knew you had a habit of overworking yourself so I was afraid this would happen."

Kyungsoo sighs and when he returns his gaze to look Joonmyun in the eyes, Joonmyun holds his breath because Kyungsoo is about to cry. There are tears threatening to fall and Joonmyun has never seen anyone so concerned about him.

"You have me now, so don't just keep things to yourself, okay? If you need help, I'm always here for you." Kyungsoo smiles at him then, and Joonmyun can feel the sincerity in his words and he wishes he could tell Kyungsoo just what is going on. He wishes he could confide in him about this problem but he knows if he does, then Kyungsoo will decide for him and he knows he will lose Kyungsoo if that happens. He doesn't want that. He'd told himself he could endure the pain and endure it he will.

"Thanks Kyungsoo," he whispers closing his eyes because they feel heavy. He feels something soft land on his forehead and when he opens his eyes, he finds Kyungsoo so close to him. His lips planted softly on his forehead and his hand stroking Joonmyun's cheek.

"Go to sleep, Joonmyun," Kyungsoo mutters as he pulls away, helping Joonmyun to lie back down on his bed. Joonmyun makes sure to memorize the way Kyungsoo looks, flushed cheeks, warm eyes and a comforting heart shaped smile on his lips.

He goes back to sleep thinking about how everything will be worth it in the end. But the pain in his heart doesn't completely go away.

Joonmyun wakes up knowing his fever is gone but his heart is still aching. Kyungsoo is nowhere to be found and he wonders if everything was just a dream. He takes his phone from the bedside table to check for messages.

_**From: 010-XXXX-XXXX**  
Hi, Joonmyun, it’s Jongdae. Jongwoon hyung wanted me to tell you that he’s expecting you back next week. He’s got some new songs he wants you to check out. Get well soon! n_n_

He checks the time and sees the message was sent yesterday and it’s still quite early to reply so he decides to just leave the message for a while but he saves Jongdae’s number.

He decides to go back to sleep, because maybe then he’d dream of waking up to Kyungsoo on his bedside. When he closes his eyes, he realizes that there is no more pain in his heart.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo walks with Joonmyun to school on Monday with a heart shaped smile as a greeting. Joonmyun returns the smile with flushed cheeks and a soft thank you for taking care of him over the weekend. Kyungsoo smiles and waves off the thanks as something he’d do anytime. And there’s just something about the way they’re standing side by side with the back of their hands touching and the way the sun lights up the outline of Kyungsoo’s body that makes Joonmyun hold on to Kyungsoo’s hand. Kyungsoo’s smile doesn’t leave his lips as he squeezes on the hand in his as if to tell him it’s alright to hold on.

It’s in that moment that they don’t need words to know what they are, because with just the look in their eyes, they already know. Joonmyun is Kyungsoo’s and Kyungsoo is Joonmyun’s.

(Joonmyun pretends his heart doesn’t squeeze just a tiny little bit in pain at that.)

Just as Joonmyun expected, their relationship progresses not without any pain. Mostly for him. He experiences little pinpricks during their firsts (first date, first kiss and even first embrace as a couple). The pain slowly becomes a constant ache in his heart throughout their relationship. A pain between little stabs and almost suffocating squeezes on his heart. It becomes something he learns to ignore, something he’d willingly feel if he could just see Kyungsoo’s bright smile directed towards him.

He lies to himself that there is no pain, that he feels nothing but happiness and love when Kyungsoo is around. He pretends that it doesn’t scare him that maybe this love is killing him slowly inside. He pretends and lies because he thinks he still has Kyungsoo and as long as Kyungsoo is going to be by his side then everything will be alright.

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun sees Jongin before Kyungsoo does. He sees how the boy looks at Kyungsoo, how his eyes shine for a moment as if to stare in wonder at the idea of Kyungsoo’s existence. He tries to ignore how his gut makes him uneasy with worry. His intuition is telling him to avoid this boy at all cost.

(But Joonmyun has been running away from destiny far too long.)

Joonmyun should have seen it coming, but he's still caught by surprise when Kyungsoo tells him about the boy from the convenience store.

"His name's Jongin," Kyungsoo tells him excitedly and Joonmyun's heart sinks a little to his stomach.

"Oh," is all he can reply as Kyungsoo goes into an animated chatter of how his encounter went with Jongin. Joonmyun tries to listen, tries to ignore the warning signs in his heart and tries to focus on the sound of Kyungsoo's voice.

"He seems interesting," Kyungsoo finishes with a smile and Joonmyun feels himself give a strained one back. Kyungsoo doesn't notice.

He meets Jongin officially after some time and the feeling in his stomach makes him feel queasy. There is a look in Jongin's eyes that's a mix of pain and longing and the guilt hits him strongly. He feels as if the acid in his digestive system is slowly making its way to his heart. The feeling doesn't leave even as he closes his eyes to sleep and all he can see is the pitiful way Jongin looks, the way his eyes seem to look dead but alive when Kyungsoo is in his line of sight. He feels guilt slowly eat at him and all of a sudden he wonders if this is why he shouldn't have fallen in love with Kyungsoo.

"I love you," Joonmyun blurts out, Kyungsoo's hand warm in his and the day nearing it's end.

Kyungsoo flushes and squeezes Joonmyun's hand. He smiles sheepishly at Joonmyun pressing his body closer so their arms are brushing.

"I love you, too," he whispers.

The guilt doesn't leave him but he thinks that for as long as Kyungsoo will have him then maybe it's okay to keep holding on.

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun opens the studio door to a sad melody playing on the piano. He stops momentarily in his tracks to feel the song, feel it unearth all of his secrets and lies until he literally can't breathe anymore from the pain.

The melody stops and Joonmyun gasps and tries to take in as much air as his lungs will allow him. He hears the screech of the piano bench and he finds Jongdae’s worried gaze on him. Jongdae is asking him something, something he can’t quite clearly understand and all he can do is shake his head. He feels Jongdae’s hand on his face and he looks up to see the fear etched in those brown eyes of his. He gasps again and finally finds the air he’s missing as he holds on to Jongdae’s fingers still caressing his face.

Jongdae sits him down by the desk before planting himself beside him. He gives Joonmyun another once-over and says something Joonmyun barely catches. Before Joonmyun can even register it, Jongdae is out of the room the door clicking close behind him. Somehow he can’t help the bitter laugh that escapes him. He’s such a cruel person that even a person who doesn’t know or understand the situation will leave him behind.

“Kyungsoo should just throw me away.”

“Hey.”

When Joonmyun looks up, he finds Jongdae with a frown on his face and a glass of water in his hand. “What are you saying?”

“I -- uh --,”

“Never mind that, what happened to you? Was that an asthma attack or something? Here’s some water,” He rambles on not finishing with his questions even as Joonmyun drinks up the whole glass.

“I’m fine,” Joonmyun tiredly says as he leans on the cool desk. He closes his eyes and tries to regain his breathing feeling Jongdae’s eyes on him.

A moment of silence passes between them and when he opens his eyes, he finds Jongdae’s face has relaxed a little. There’s still worry in his eyes but he doesn’t look like he’s going to faint with fear anymore. Joonmyun tries to stand up and Jongdae ends up holding onto his arms to help him.

Jongdae makes him sit on the monoblock chairs by the corner of the room, pulling the chair next to him in front of Joonmyun so he can continue observing him.

Joonmyun smiles sheepishly at Jongdae, knowing he’s worried his friend over something as trivial as matters of the heart. He wonders then if Jongdae wouldn’t mind listening to him talk about it. He hasn’t told a single soul about his predicament and he really just needs someone to lean on right now. He can’t tell Kyungsoo because Kyungsoo will leave him and he wants to have Kyungsoo for as long as Fate or Destiny will allow him.

“He’s already slipping away from me,” he whispers so softly not realizing he’d spoken until Jongdae had asked what he said.

“Nothing,” he says to which Jongdae grumbles something incomprehensible. He tries not to laugh at the face Jongdae is sporting and opts to ask him something instead.

“What would you if you found out that the person you’re with is not supposed to be yours?”

The question catches Jongdae off guard and he gives Joonmyun a look that asks him whether he’s serious or not. Joonmyun just smiles, and tells him to give him his best answer. Jongdae thinks about it for a moment before sighing.

“I’d let that person go? I guess? I mean if we’re not meant to be, why should I hold on?” Jongdae rubs his nape, his cheeks coloring, “But seriously, I’m the wrong person to ask. I’ve never been in a relationship and I’ve never been in love.”

Joonmyun laughs at that but Jongdae’s answer is ringing in his ears anyways. It doesn’t leave his mind all throughout his lessons (which Jongwoon was inconspicuously late for). He keeps thinking about it, analyzing that simple sentence and wonders if that’s what he should do.

“Hey,” Jongdae calls out just as he’s fixing his things. “So I thought maybe we could walk home together. We live in the same neighborhood and with your,” he pauses and lowers his voice “little episode a while ago, I don’t want to take the risk that you might faint on your way home.”

Despite Joonmyun’s refusal and reassurance that he’d be fine, Jongdae ends up walking home with him, anyways. “We’re practically gonna go in the same direction so we might as well just walk home together,” Jongdae had argued.

“So,” Jongdae starts awkwardly, “are you having troubles with your girlfriend?”

Joonmyun laughs at Jongdae’s assumption that he’s straight and Jongdae’s puzzled look only makes him laugh harder. When he’s finally calmed down enough to speak he says in an amused tone, “I’m gay.”

Jongdae ends up spluttering and flushing at his honest mistake. He rambles on about how sorry he was for assuming and shuts up only when Joonmyun waves off the apology.

“If it makes you uhm feel less uh awkward,” Jongdae takes a deep breath before speaking, “I’m gay, too.”

And Joonmyun can’t help the teasing grin that decorates his face and Jongdae flushes bright red at the face. He tries to smack Joonmyun’s face away in hopes of making the grin disappear but Joonmyun only laughs and teases Jongdae further. Jongdae groans and buries his head in his hands at the awkward and embarrassing situation he’s brought himself into. He mutters and grumbles in his hands, things Joonmyun can’t hear but has a feeling are insults towards him. The sight makes him smile. He realizes then that the squeezing ache in his heart and the feeling of suffocation he felt earlier when he’d arrived at the studio was gone.

A soft sincere smile plays on Joonmyun’s lips and he says loud enough for Jongdae to hear, “Thanks.”

“What are you thanking me for? I haven’t done anything to help you.”

“You answered my question before and you’re making me forget all my problems for now. It’s more than I can ask for.”

Jongdae frowns at him. “You can’t run away from your problems you know.”

Joonmyun shrugs and sighs, “I know but my problem isn’t exactly easy to solve.”

Jongdae pats him on the shoulder and gives him a half-smug smile (Joonmyun momentarily wonders how he does that), “Well, why don’t you tell me all about it then?”

“You just told me you didn’t know anything about love,” Joonmyun points out and Jongdae smirks at him.

“I told you to tell me about it, I didn’t say anything about helping you out.” Jongdae’s laugh is heartfelt and real and it warms Joonmyun’s heart in a way he’s unfamiliar with. “But no, you should tell me about it and we’ll see what I can do, yes? Besides, it’s always better to have a friend listen than to keep everything bottled up.”

Joonmyun smiles at the word friend. Jongdae returns the smile and it brings butterflies in his stomach. He’s never really had a friend other than Kyungsoo (he doesn’t really consider Baekhyun and Chanyeol as friends, more like acquaintances) and Jongdae’s offer sends tingles down his spine.

“Maybe some other time, I don’t want to think about it for now.” Jongdae hums in agreement, bumping Joonmyun’s side with his.

“Everything will be alright, okay?” Jongdae says and there’s something about the way he says it and the way he smiles that makes Joonmyun believe it.

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun learns how to confide in Jongdae, finding a friend in him and telling him things he can’t quite tell Kyungsoo.

“They’re getting closer, now. I don’t know what to do. A part of me wants to be selfish and a part of me wants to let go,” he whispers softly but loud enough for Jongdae to hear. Jongdae doesn't say anything, he doesn’t give advices anymore having had this conversation more than once. Joonmyun doesn’t take it in stride and uses the silence to vent out his frustrations knowing Jongdae will listen and he will never judge.

“What makes it worse is that Jongin looks like he’s going to die if I don’t break up with Kyungsoo anytime soon,” Joonmyun groans, “and it doesn’t help that when I see the two of them together, I see how perfectly well they fit.”

Jongdae pats him on the shoulder and he looks up to see his friend frowning at him.

“You know, Jongin’s not the only one hurting here, heck I bet even Kyungsoo is hurting,” Jongdae finally says. “You’re hurting, too, you know that? I’m watching you right now and I can tell you that you look just like Jongin.”

Joonmyun wants to tell Jongdae he’s probably never seen Jongin but he remembers that Jongdae and Jongin go to the same school and Jongdae has probably seen Jongin more than he has. He tries not to wince at the realization that he and Jongin look like they’re wasting away. One is holding on to a love that’s not his and one is longing for the love he’s been denied of having. What a twisted game of fate.

“It’s all my fault,” Joonmyun whispers and he feels Jongdae’s hand on his, offering comfort that immediately takes effect. He’s realized lately that Jongdae has helped ease aches and pains in his heart much quicker than the self-assurance he gives himself.

“Don’t blame yourself,” Jongdae begins, voice stern, “You only wanted to be with Kyungsoo. In the end, it doesn’t matter if Fate never meant for you guys to get together. What’s done is done, and what’s left to do is the right thing.” He gives Joonmyun’s hand one last squeeze and Joonmyun understands what Jongdae wants him to do.

“But what if I can’t break up with Kyungsoo? What if I don’t want to?” He looks into Jongdae’s eyes and he can almost see the pain mirroring his in those pools.

“Then you’re going to hurt a lot of people, Joonmyun and maybe you’ll realize it wasn’t that worth it after all.”

Jongdae’s words haunt him even after they’ve gone their separate ways and he can’t sleep that night seeing Jongin’s longing gaze and sickly appearance, Kyungsoo’s bright smiles that aren’t directed at him and his own reflection much like Jongin’s. He wonders just when his relationship with Kyungsoo brought more pain than happiness. (He ignores the whispers at the back of his mind telling him it’s been that way before it even began.)

Joonmyun doesn’t fall asleep until much later in the evening, until his phone vibrates in the middle of the night lighting up his dark room.

_**From: 종대**  
I’m sorry about what I said a while ago. I know it was pretty straightforward and a little bit tactless. I’m just worried that you’re going to hurt yourself more than you already have. But if it still feels like Kyungsoo is worth all this pain, then go ahead, choose Kyungsoo. If Kyungsoo makes you happy, then screw Fate, right?_

_I just really wanted to tell you that. Good night, Joonmyun. Hope I didn’t wake you._

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun is texting with Kyungsoo when he decides that Kyungsoo will be the one to design their destiny. If Kyungsoo chooses Jongin over him, then he’ll let Kyungsoo go, but if he stays, _if he stays_ , then Joonmyun would love that.

Every day after that feels like their last, so he makes sure to kiss Kyungsoo a little more sweetly, hold onto his hand a little bit longer and give all the love he hasn’t given yet (if it was possible). Kyungsoo just laughs and smiles at Joonmyun’s antics. He doesn’t ask why he acts the way he is, he just basks in it all, making sure to return everything just as sweetly. Joonmyun wishes he could have this forever, hopes that forever is in their fate and he realizes a little too late that forever was never meant for them.

As Joonmyun grows sweeter, he can’t help but be a little more observant of him as well. He watches with fond eyes the way Kyungsoo’s eyes light up as he kisses him softly, watches the way Kyungsoo’s breath hitches as he whispers sweet nothings in his ears. For a while, it works and he believes that maybe Kyungsoo is meant to stay.

But then he notices how sometimes Kyungsoo’s eyes would shine as he saw Jongin walk towards them, how naturally his lips would form into a heart whenever Jongin smiled and how sometimes Kyungsoo’s breath was taken away as he watched Jongin dance. And his heart sinks a little as he realizes that it doesn’t matter how much love he puts into his actions, Jongin will naturally take what’s his.

Gradually, he feels Kyungsoo slip away from his fingers, sees him grow distant and even though Jongin has barely spent time with them in the past few months, he knows that Kyungsoo always has the boy in mind. He wonders just how long he can keep this up, acting as if nothing’s wrong between them, holding on to this relationship.

He’s on his way home from university when he spots Jongin. He knows it’s Jongin from the way the younger boy holds himself, shoulders a little hunched but confident in the way he walks. He doesn’t even need to see his face, he knows this is Jongin, he knows because it is the walk of someone who’s got nothing left but his dreams.

He follows him watching the way Jongin sometimes dances to a tune only he can hear and then he stops. Jongin turns to the wall beside him and Joonmyun watches the way Jongin fondly eyes the poster, reaching out to touch it with a wistful smile on his face and then his eyes glaze over. It takes a few seconds for Jongin to come back to reality and he shakes his head, a frown marring his face and he tears the poster from the wall, crumpling it before tossing it harshly to the ground. He lets out a frustrated cry and whispers Kyungsoo’s name just as he bends down to curl himself into a ball.

And it doesn’t really take all that much for Joonmyun to make a decision. He should’ve known, he should’ve realized sooner that in the end, holding on to what never was supposed to be his would be pointless. That by making Kyungsoo his, he’d stolen what could be and is Jongin’s happiness.

 

 

 

 

The conversation with Jongin is easy enough, having planned out the whole situation and finding that Jongin had asked questions he already had answers to. It is breaking up with Kyungsoo that is the hard part. He can’t bring himself to call him and tell him to meet up, he can’t even touch his phone without his hands shaking. In the end, Jongdae volunteers to do it for him.

He swallows a lump in his throat as he exits the studio. He’d asked to meet Kyungsoo right after his lesson. He can’t even hear whatever it was Jongdae had said to him before he closed the door. His head is preoccupied with words he doesn’t want to say and the only thing he can hear is the sound of his heart falling apart.

Kyungsoo is already by the swings when he arrives and he tries to remember how to breathe as he watches Kyungsoo give him a pitiful smile. He knows Kyungsoo’s been hurting recently because he’d been avoiding him but Joonmyun needed the space to find it in himself to do this. He takes a deep breath before he takes heavy steps towards the swing beside Kyungsoo’s.

“Let’s break up.” Joonmyun’s voice almost breaks but it’s clear enough to be understood by the other male. He draws in a sharp breath.

“Why?” Joonmyun tries not to wince at the strain in Kyungsoo’s voice, at the way it sounds so broken as if losing Joonmyun meant losing life. It’s almost unfair because Kyungsoo doesn’t know what kind of pain Joonmyun has been going through and it’s unfair that it sounds like he’s dying but in reality it’s Joonmyun who is.

Joonmyun takes a deep breath and breathes it out slowly. He gives Kyungsoo a wry smile, willing the tears away and tells him the truth.

Kyungsoo leaves just as soon as Joonmyun stops speaking, tears spilling from his eyes and he knows Kyungsoo will run to Jongin and Kyungsoo will be alright, in the end, he’ll be happy. And he wonders, if he will be happy too, if he has someone he can run to, to hold him and comfort him and he realizes that there’s no one.

“Joonmyun,” someone calls out and Joonmyun can barely make out the figure approaching him with his blurred vision and it dawns on him that he’s crying.

“Joonmyun,” the person says, relief evident in his voice and hands finding his damp cheeks. “I was looking all over the place for you.”

He finally recognizes the voice and he breathes out, “Jongdae,” as he places his hands over the ones caressing his cheeks. Jongdae swipes the tears falling at the corners of his eyes with his thumbs and holds Joonmyun close.

“I’m here,” he hears Jongdae say and Joonmyun holds on to him tightly as he cries his heart out.

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun expects for the break up to hurt for the rest of his life. In the end, what he feels instead is the weight on his heart withering away into nothing, slowly but surely. It takes a while but not long, not the amount of time he’d anticipated but he knows and feels that it’s just the right time.

There’s something about letting Kyungsoo go that is more refreshing than hurtful and it almost makes him feel guilty. But he realizes then that Kyungsoo was never meant to be his and it was his selfishness that brought him this pain, that loving Kyungsoo _was_ more pain than happiness.

“It’s like holding on to a thorned rose,” he tells Jongdae, “You grip so tightly to make sure it doesn’t fall from your grasp because it’s so beautiful but you’re only hurting yourself.”

“And it’s when you let go that you realize that there are roses out there with no thorns,” Jongdae continues for him and Joonmyun smiles.

“You just have to find the right one,” He finishes and their eyes meet. Joonmyun’s heart skips a beat and the feeling in his heart is familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Jongdae nudges him on his side and he’s looking at him with a half-smirk, half-smile and then he’s lacing his fingers in between his and it fits perfectly in his hand.

Joonmyun chuckles, squeezing the hand in his, giving Jongdae a warm smile.

There are butterflies in his stomach and his intuition is telling him something, something he clearly understands this time. He pulls Jongdae close to him so their arms touch and he can feel the warmth emanating from his body. He thinks this time that he’s holding on to the right person. Finally.


End file.
